Welcome to the way my mind works.

Some of them aren't for the faint of heart, but feel free to read my daily Twisted Thoughts. I keep the most recent few months on the site and update as often as possible. The new ones are sent out daily to my adoring and slightly unbalanced fan base. If you'd like to receive the daily Twisted Thought, just send me a request below.

1/1 - Ahh, the new year. A chance to start over. A chance to wipe the slate clean. I love that one. Wipe the slate clean. I've wiped my slate clean so many times, that the erasers need to be clapped out.

1/2 - Why does the show Cops always take place in a trailer park? There's nothing to steal!! And how do these stupid criminals keep getting caught? Don't they see the cameras and lights coming? I do enjoy the foot chases though. I particularly like it when the cop is so fat and out of shape that the camera man actually comes closer to catching the drunk, barefooted fugitive.

1/3 - Why do we have dog years? Do we really think dogs care how old they are? Maybe your dog is thinking, "I'm only three years old, but thanks to this dog year system, I'm 21 and can get into bars now. If I only had thumbs I could hold a beer."

1/4 - Why do people pick their noses in traffic? And they don't just pick. They're drilling for oil. Do you think no one can see you in that protective fortress known as your car?

1/5 & 6 - After just walk into the men's room after 8 or 10 beers and just lean your head against the wall as you pee into the urinal? If that's not the most relaxed you'll ever be, I don't know what is. To you, everything seems right with the world...until of course you realize your still in the middle of the dance floor.

1/7 - I absolutely hate how women insist on calling the t.v. remote a "clicker". It's a powerful device and it deserves your respect. It's a REMOTE CONTROL. It gives us the power to control things...remotely. Men don't get many chances to wield such power. Don't belittle it. "Clicker". How about we refer to child labor as minor discomfort? How does that sound?

1/8 - Did you know that the IRS requires you to report any "stolen or embezzled income" on your taxes? It's in the manual. Is this a trick to catch the world's dumbest criminal? "Hey Joey, we gotta report this. I know we knocked over that bank for $200,000. But to lie on our taxes? Now that would be wrong."

1/9 - In the beginning, man was naked. Then man became ashamed and covered himself with clothing. Then retail stores opened and man had to pay lots of money to cover himself. Then man invented the strip club where he pays even more money so women will take their clothes off. Man should have never invented clothes in the first place. Silly man.

1/10 - Just how hard does a breeze have to blow to become a gust? Harder still, some are so bold to call it a gale. Is a breezy gale the same as a limp gust?

1/11 - Women require way more upkeep than men. A guy is lucky if he even owns a hair brush less than 15 years old. Women actually have a device to push back their cuticles. I don’t even know what cuticles are?! But apparently they’re WAY too forward.

1/12 & 13 - Why do people put batteries in the freezer? Are we keeping them fresh? “Honey, where’d you put the donuts?” “Oh they’re in the toilet. I wanted to keep them moist and thought that would be a good spot.”

1/14 - I've got three words to say about breast augmentation - Damn good idea!

1/15 - Remember Toughskins pants? These were the only pants that were actually more uncomfortable than the knee patches your mom ironed on after you tore holes in the knees. You needed tough skin to begin with to wear these. And they seemed to last forever. Get another hole - just add another patch. Pretty soon I was walking around in 10 patches and a zipper. It was a good look.

1/16 - In my house I like to crank up the heat and the humidifier downstairs. Then jack up the AC and the dehumidifier upstairs and just wait for El Nino to form in between.

1/17 - Since when did people start using the @ sign in writing? I understand it’s use in an email address, but in writing? Is it really a big time saver over the monumental task of “a” and “t”? These are the same jackasses who write "thanx" or "Xmas". Xmas is a good one, replacing Christ with X. That's gotta make him feel good. Hey I died for everyone's sins and for my name they now use the same symbol that your common illiterate redneck would to sign his own name.

1/18 - Why is it that all inspirational and motivational speakers are someone who screwed up in life and then picked themselves up off the canvas, usually with a lot of help from others, and righted the ship? I understand the inspiration in that. But I don't see the logic. Fine go out, blow all your money, get hooked on heroin and leave your children. Go to rehab, see the light, then have a fine career as a motivational speaker. Hey how about listening to a speaker who kept going to that job, who didn't get hooked on drugs, who was a great mother or father? Don't you think you could learn a little something from THAT person?

1/19 & 20 - I had a number of debts, totaling $15,000, so I went to a debt consolidation company. They were able to settle my debts at $13,500. But then of course, after tacking on their $800 #uck-you fee and the three-year monthly $45 suck-and-swallow fee, it turns out I now owe $15,920. It's quite an amazing feeling to get bent over, violated AND get to pay out the nose for it.

1/21 - The late fee. Interesting. I don't have enough money to pay my bill on time, so I'm hit with an additional bill. Do they not get the concept of me having no money? Indentured servitude is coming. Soon I'll be a serf.

1/22 - If you're an exhibitionist, you really only have nude beaches and strip clubs. What about a nude supermarket or a nude bank? Or how about a nude library? You know you're curious to see just how repulsive the old librarian, with the glasses with that little chain attaching them to her neck would look.

1/23 - Ever see someone driving, with their left hand hanging out the window, while rubbing their middle finger, index finger and thumb together? Yeah, they just picked their nose and are now trying to dry out and discard the evidence.

1/24 - After getting caught peeing in the breakdown lane of a major highway at three in the morning on a 16 degree night, the cop had to nerve to ask me if I had been drinking. I was insulted. Of course I've been drinking! If this was normal behavior, I'd have some real problems.

1/25 - When I see a dog drink out of the toilet, I really feel a lot better about my place in life. It's the little things really.

1/26 & 27 - Ever hear someone say, "I couldn't give a rats ass!"? Well that's good because you probably couldn't find someone to take one!

1/28 - Ever notice that when someone sneezes, we couldn't be kinder to them. "Oh God bless you", we say. But heaven forbid someone coughs in our presence. "Hey, cover your mouth you diseased prick!" 

1/29 - Isn't it odd that the people who do the most talking, generally say the least that is worth listening to? 

1/30 - Dog’s age. I haven’t seen you in a dog’s age. When you think about it, that really isn’t that long of a time. 7 dog years in one of our years, so that means a dog’s age is roughly 7 ½ weeks. Hardly anything to get upset about. Seeing most people once a dog's age is actually quite enough for me.

1/31 - One of the side effects of steroids can be a terribly hostile attitude. Another side effect is the shrinking of the testicles. Well, that would certainly explain the bad attitude.

2/1 - Ever run into someone that you know, at the mall or something? You talk a while and you're happy to see each other. Then you say your goodbyes. Then it becomes painfully obvious that you both need to walk in the same direction, yet you're out of things to say. Awkward.

2/2 & 3 - If a fat guy looks in the mirror and can't see his own penis, does that mean six more weeks of winter?

2/4 - They say that when scuba diving, if you're cold, you should pee in your wet suit to warm up. You know, I've had enough accidents over the years and I'm sure I'll have plenty more. So partaking in an activity where the very object is to piss myself, is just something I need to stay away from.

2/5 - Some people take female equality too far. One time, in an effort to be a gentleman, I offered my seat to a woman on the bus and she proceeded to scream at me for assuming she was a weak and fragile female who needed a seat. She said she wanted to be treated just as I would treat a man in this situation. So I punched her in the face.

2/6 - I love getting the window seat on the plane. Just so I can close the shade so the other two people in my row can't see out.

2/7 - How do we assume to know what a dog finds tasty? We manufacture dog food and we're so proud of ourselves when the dog gobbles it right up. Hey, don't break your arm patting yourself on the back. I've often seen dogs eat their own $hit.

2/8 - Just once, I'd like to be responsible for giving a dog rabies.

2/9 & 10 - Every time there's a minor accident on the highway, lots of people feel the need to slow down and look, thus screwing up traffic flow. Is it wrong to want to kill those people?

2/11 - Would you wear underwear that had been worn by a different stranger each day that week? Think about that the next time you sleep in a motel bed.

2/12 - Sometimes I'll pretend I'm listening to someone tell a story. I'll nod approvingly and make a gesture here and there, all the while not hearing a thing they're saying. Sometimes I'll even throw in a chuckle. However, things can become incredibly awkward after I realize that I just laughed at a narrative detailing the death of a loved one in a blimp accident.

2/13 - Did you ever think that dogs have it all figured out? They sniff each other's asses before they decide to make friends. Hey that's as good a place to start as far as I'm concerned. If your ass smells, I don't need to be around you. Get that out of the way right up front.

2/14 - The next time some jackass hands you their business card, pick your teeth with it and thank them.

2/15 - I’m going to start selling black highlighters. I know there are few morons out there.


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